You Are Not Too Much
I don’t particularly enjoy confrontation. I don’t like the thought of having to tell someone that I care about that I felt disrespected, hurt or that a need, want or expectation is not being met. They are rarely fun conversations because often times, the other individual may feel like they need to be on the defensive and defend their actions. Or they will feel unnecessary pressure. Or pherpas the conversation triggers them in some way. Either way, I don’t really enjoy being the one to have them or initiate them.
But I promised myself after my divorce that I would stop playing small, that I would speak up. That if I would do better on communicating my needs, wants and expectations regardless of whether that person agreed or not. I could not avoid having those conversations simply because I was afraid of the outcome or their response.
At some point you just grow up a little bit. and maybe a little bit of a backbone.
Let me reiterate what I have been saying for quite some time now: you stating clearly what you need, want, and expect does not make you high maintenance or too much. If that is what someone chooses to tell you, the reality is they just can’t meet what you are asking and that is on them. It isn’t on you.
I am not talking about compromises that we all need to do in order to make a relationship or friendship work. Sometimes we do have to bend and give and serve if we truly care about the ones we are connecting with.
However, if we keep allowing certain behaviors to happen and we don’t let the person know that it bothers us or how it makes us feel, we are self abandoning in order to make someone else feel comfortable.
That is not authentic. That is not honest. I don’t ever want a relationship like that again. I spent 14 years self abandoning so not to rock the boat.
I won’t do it again.
Listen, if that person you care for pushes back on you and just can’t respect or provide what you are asking, even if it is the bare minimum....that doesn’t make them toxic, or evil, or an awful human being. It does mean, though, that YOU are in the drivers seat and you really need to be crystal clear about whether or not you want to proceed forward. That’s on you, sis.
I wrestling with the why it is so hard for us to speak up and say what we need. I struggle with it too. Part of me wants to keep my needs and wants close to my chest so as not to get disappointed or hurt again. I despise dishonesty. I despise secrecy. I have a real fear of being tricked and betrayed again. Which makes NOT speaking up and revealing yourself a much safer option. If you know, you know.
But I also know that I can’t live that way. That is not how you build connections with people by holding close past traumas and disappointments and hurt. You don’t grow that way.
You certainly don’t build beautiful things with bitterness and anger. You can, however, build something beautiful and incredible with honest communication and being really, truly who you are and allowing someone to see you and hear you. They may very well surprise you.
Asking and being clear about what you desire and need does not make you too much. Please remember that. Be clear about what you want. Be clear about what you need. Be clear about your expectations.
You are worth it. And honestly, don’t write them off too early. Good, healthy, authentic relationships are worth it too.