When You Don't Get The Answers You Are Wanting
This post initially looked a lot different. I was kind of angry, and hurt and disappointed after a conversation I had last night with him. I don’t know why I allow him to hit all my trigger points, but I do. The post initially looked like one big rant. Yes, I am THAT dramatic.
I think I just need to come to grips and face the cold hard truth: I am never going to get the answers I am wanting.
I get angry at myself for caring. Why should I care? Why should I even try? Why even bring it up and ask questions if I know I am just going to get the same answers that give me nothing? Is it really making me feel better?
Will getting the answers that I am wanting really make me feel better? Will it give me closure? And why am I allowing him to even have that? Closure…..that is for me, not for him.
So, what does one do when you don’t get the answers you are seeking? How do you deal?
I don’t really have an answer for that. But I do know, it has forced me to ask myself what it is that I want. These are the questions that I haven’t asked myself and have been afraid to answer for over fourteen years. I have been afraid to answer them for fear that they sounded selfish and that I wasn’t prioritizing my marriage or my family. I feared that I would appear to dramatic or emotional or irrational or disrespectful, which is what I was often accused of being.
Here is what I can answer right now, while working through my broken heart and my attempts at putting the pieces back together:
I want honesty.
I despise secrecy.
I want someone who wants to win with me, even if one has to sacrifice for awhile. When one wins, we both win.
I want to be cheered for (especially by the man I love)
I want to have fun.
I want passion.
I don’t want someone who is intimidated by my intensity and is willing to talk me off the ledge when my passion starts to take a different turn.
I want to dream together and plan together.
I want someone who has my back and isn’t afraid to say that we need help.
I want to have a community that will support us when things start to fall apart. When you get married, you have witnesses. We closed ours out because he didn’t believe in allowing people to be involved in our marriage. There were so many things that we should have shared, but we didn’t. I was told that it was up to us to fix it, but we couldn’t fix it. We were isolated and we couldn’t fix it together. We needed people. We needed community. And now here we are.
And what I have found is that if I can’t find that, I will be that. For me. For my children. I refuse to isolate myself now. It is not fun opening up about the hurt and anger and hopelessness you sometimes feel. But, community is so important. I can’t stress it enough. I have had to learn the hard way what happens when you have no one to turn to when crap hits the fan.
If you aren’t getting the answers you are hoping for from the person you are asking them from, perhaps they just can’t answer. Ask your own questions. What can you do better? How can you grow from this? What do you need to let go of? What do you want? It isn’t selfish to ask yourself these questions. I know people will tell you that it is, but sister friend, you have to ask them, especially if you have avoided speaking up in the past for fear of rocking the boat and making others uncomfortable (which was where I was.)
And as a reminder, God is not done with you yet. So while you might be in the midst of your own failure and heartbreak and disappointment, He has a purpose for you. He might be allowing you to walk through this, but He is not abandoning you in it. Lean close to those who can point you in His way.
Rooting for you,