I am working through some of my issues with trust.
To say the least, it is probably one of the biggest triggers when it comes to developing or attempting to develop healthy relationships with others.
The topic of trust and what that looks like came up during a dinner with a friend of mine. They were trying to get a better understanding of where I was coming from, and how I was working through that specific issue.
To be honest, I basically stumbled my way through that conversation.
I didn’t have a very good answer. It probably would have been best to not say anything at all.
Because, in my friend’s attempt to undersrand what I was saying, they said they heard this:
”I’ll trust you until you give me a reason not to.”
Ugh. So Cringe on my part.
I didn’t believe, at the time of that conversation, that that was what I meant. But after thinking about our talk over the last couple of days (I do that quite a bit, often in the shower. All my best discussions and arguments happen in the shower!) maybe I do hold that people……and I shouldn’t’.
I have had multiple Incidents happen where my trust and confidence was completely shattered. Soul crushing, even. When I talk about people breaking my trust, I don’t mean little white lies or disappointments that often happen between people getting to know each other. Heck, you don’t even want to know how many times I told my ex that I DID NOT purchase those new shoes….when I did. He could clearly not trust me at Target or during any sales at my favorite stores.
I have a problem with shopping. I readily admit this. No need for therapy. I am accepting this thorn in my side. And I consider shopping to be equivalent to therapy so there is that.
No, my problems with trust stem far deeper than just the occasional bluff.
It is when you can no longer different between what is truth and a lie. Where the anxiety and the pain set in real deep and you want to believe them, and trust them, but you can’t. When you feel stupid and look like an absolute fool and you are humiliated because you believed them again, and again, and again and they took advantage of your trust and belief in them.
That kind of pain does something to someone.
I don’t want to be one who projects what another person did onto anyone else. Really, that’s what it is. Projection. It does not help foster intimacy. It does not even promote honesty or trust. In fact, it repels and ultimately erodes at any chance of developing closeness and relationship.
We have to stop holding people to standards of perfection.
We can place value and importance on virtues like honesty, patience, loyalty, kindness, etc. All of that is well and good. We should have some sort of standard as to what we want in our lives when it comes to the people we allow in.
But, every single person in your life is going to hurt your feelings at some point. They may even lie to you. They may break your trust and do something behind your back.
Guess what? They’re human. Of course they will.
Also, you have broken the trust of those in your life as well. It isn’t just them.
It is you, too.
I don’t want to be someone who will trust but expect them to fail. Because then, is that really trust?
If I expect them to hurt me, then I don’t trust them. Which means I don’t really have an intimate relationship with them.
Which is a pretty crappy way to be and to live if we are being honest.
I don’t want to live that way, and I am pretty sure most of you don’t want to live that way either.
I don’t really have an answer as to how to really fix this. For those of you who are like me and have gone through broken trust, betrayal and soul crushing situations, this is no cake walk. I get it. You want to trust and believe but holy heck. It is hard. The fear of being betrayed again is very real. I don’t wish that on anyone.
I do know is the Bible commands (not requests) us to forgive 70 x 7. Understand that means over and over again. And to the same measure that God has forgiven you.
Insert your sin here…..the one God continuously forgives you for.
That is really the only solution I have. It is to walk in forgiveness and grace and allow Him to work through all the other junk that is taking root in your heart. What he offers is really the only solution for us poor pitiful souls when life beats us down and people hurt people.
And honestly, even walking in step with Jesus doesn’t mean that you won’t be hurt or betrayed again. Because we are imperfect people, chances are very likely it will happen again. And chances are, you will be the one who will need the grace and forgiveness of another. Because you are an imperfect person. Oh, you sinner.
But I would rather have relationship, even imperfect ones than to have none and be alone and lonely. To hold people to such a high, impossible standard in order to be my friend or whatever, that I end up with nothing.
What a horrible life to live.
I am choosing forgiveness and grace every day.
Encouraging you all to do the same.