I am currently reading the first chapter of a book that is to be released in October (More details on that later!) and I was reading the story behind the two authors and how the ministry they have created came to be.
Both of these women (whom you will LOVE! I can’t wait to share!) are just dynamic, encouraging, ooze Jesus out of their pores and are just the ultimate hype girls. Really. You need a boost? They got you.
As I was reading the first story, I resonated so much with her. The need for approval. The do it all and show others that we are good. Capable. Lovable. We do cartwheels and perform to the best of our ability. We desire to be the best at everything so that others could see and applaud……so that we could find our sense of worth. The need to please others was and still is very real.
Yes. The desire to please and the need for approval is very much who I am. I worshipped affirmation as if that solidified who I was. Their words of applause and agreement meant that I was good and worthy.
Then, I read the next story. Holy heck. I resonated with her as well.
The desire to prove oneself. To show others that we don’t need anyone. That we are the best at being able to parent, work, build, create and we don’t need someone to come in and rescue us. We use phrases like “I got this.” “I can do this.” “I don’t need to ask for help.”
Key start to every sentence is the word I. Myself. Me. Self focused.
I worshipped myself. Ugh.
Like cold water to the face, I realized while reading that I am the ultimate lover of myself while also having the disease to please others. Basically, I am exhausting.
I exhaust myself. I am going to need multiple naps now. Goodnight.
I appear to be a walking contradiction.
Miss independent but also needy.
Confidence and joy readily and easily flow off of me (and authentically by the way…I really am a confident and happy woman), but at the same time, anxiety and assumptions about how people really feel and think about me ripple through my heart.
The second I get into my head that someone I care about might be angry at me, or maybe not like me as much, or they are about to leave me or reject me, anxiety settles in. I conjure up in my brain all the worst possibilities and scenarios. Nine times out of ten, they aren’t even really happening but I have worked myself into such a frenzy that I start to believe that they are real!
Then you get miss independent, I don’t need nobody, I am no damsel in distress gal. Like a stubborn toddler who refuses to accept help while putting on their own clothes.
I will do it myself.
I will show you that I don’t need a man or any other person in order to achieve what I am working and praying to achieve. I have this really bad habit of not asking for help when I really need it. Stubborn is too simple of a word to describe me when it comes to asking for help.
I know the root of it all, really.
Pride. I am extremely prideful.
On both sides of the coin, as a lover of self and the need to please and obtain approval, it is always about my pride and the wrestling that I do each and every day in this area.
It’s always about me.
Even when it comes to seeking approval from others and validation, it is still about me. How they see me. How I see myself. If they approve of Me. If I approve of Me. Do they know I can do it. Do I know I can do it.
Me. me. me. I. I. I.
I worship myself. I am my own idol.
Listen, we ourselves make for very poor gods. We are horrible gods actually.
Honestly, we don’t need any more self-affirming messages, although I am certainly guilty of sharing those types of messages. We all enjoy the “Atta Girl” and “Atta Boy” proclamations from others and we like to be recognized for the good work we do.
But, we must come to the realization that God has the solutions, not us.
He empowers. He Equips. He affirms. He creates. He sends. He provides.
Yes, we do the legwork. We have to get up each day. But at the end of the day, everything we do is not so we can puff ourselves up And gain the glory.
It is all for His glory.
We are not idols worthy of being worshipped. We are not worthy of that kind of glory. We are a sinful and broken people, redeemed only by the grace of our God.
So why on earth are we so fixated on ourselves, better yet, why am I so fixated on myself and how others view me? Why am I so desperate to prove my own worth to myself and for others to validate my worth……When God has already told me who I am? He has already affirmed me and for that, He alone is worthy. He gets the glory.
So what is the solution? We have to start placing our worship in its rightful place. Stop worshipping ourselves and stop worshipping others and instead, turn our focus rightly on God. Easier said then done, sure.
We make horrible gods.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I don’t always understand why God would choose me in any capacity, knowing the kind of woman I am and what I have done. Grateful for grace. God still chooses me. He still chooses YOU. He still forgives YOU. He still loves YOU.
So for that, He is worthy of worship and trust. Because a God who can overlook everything I have ever done and still love me and call me and use me for good is a God that is worthy of all I have to give and of all of my worship and my praise. I don’t have to worship myself.
I can confidently set my own idol, myself, down and turn my face in the correct position….
Up toward Him.