I had just arrived home from my son’s parent teacher conference at his school, after a busy day at the office, and I was ready to just chill out and do a whole lot of nothing.
However, Sean still had baseball practice to go to, and the kids needed to pack for their weekend with their Dad.
There wasn’t going to be a whole lot of relaxing for me, at least right now. With new seasons come new challenges with embracing new schedules and ways of being present, active, healthy and alive.
You don’t have to like it, but you get to choose how you respond to all of this.
I totally have my bitter moments. I allow my mind and heart to go to the “what aboutism’s” that swirl in my head. Being one who does not like it when things are unfair, unclear, and wrong, my desire for closure and justice and finality is really strong right now. I want answers, and it is hard for my personality type when I feel like I am not getting answers (or, if we are honest, the answers I want), or if I feel like I am being manipulated and lied to. I am no pushover.
With all that said, I am beginning to embrace this new season. I think I have been so wrapped up in this fear of the unknown and foreign territory. I don’t like the unknown. I like protection, security, stability. But I don’t have those things right now.
What I do have is me. My kids. My God. A home church. My family. A bunch of amazing girlfriends who have helped me to get out of the house and have some much needed fun (and maybe a margarita to relax a bit.)
I am re-learning how to embrace who I am. Recognizing areas that have proven toxic to myself and relationships, but also learning and loving who I am and how God created me. I am rediscovering new passions, and drawing back into old ones (like blogging). Storytelling has always been a favorite hobby of mine. I never thought this season would be the way I would come back to it, but I am going to embrace this new story I get to tell and choose joy throughout.
It is a bit early to finalize what my word of 2020 will be, but Embrace has been on the top of that list. And clearly, this latter half of 2019 has been all about new seasons and challenges that we have had to work through. Embracing new is not easy. It takes a lot of surrender and open hearts to go forward with something new.
A verse that I feel goes perfectly with my season is Jeremiah 29:11. This verse is often taken out of context, because when these words were spoken to God’s people, they were now in captivity. Exiled, Bloodshed, loss of life, hopelessness, consequences of sin, and a fallen king. And yet the very words from the prophet Jeremiah was this:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
What I am going through right now might have left my heart shattered. But God is not done with me yet. Even in the most hardest of spaces, God has plans for me. For my children. Even for Dan. And they are for our good and not for evil. They are to give us a future and a hope.
So, whatever work God is trying to do in my heart. In Dan’s heart. In Madi and Sean’s heart. I am going to get out of the way. I am going to embrace not being in the driver's seat and let Him do a good work in us. Even if it is not how I had hoped and prayed for.