Over the past two years, God has been tending to my heart a great deal, especially with all that has been going on. Marriage and motherhood and being a working mom after being a stay at home mom for eight years is no easy task. Can I tell you that I felt so awkward and illiterate on my first day? Like, how do you I answer the phones? What do I say? What do I do? Help! Talk about a new identity! Working mama? What?
I am happy to say that I have adjusted well since I am now going on over 18 months at my current job and I haven't been fired (yet...there is always that chance...ha!) However, life has thrown us some curve balls, and while I am still holding onto hope and move on at the same time (is that an oxymoron? It feels like an oxymoron.) God has been really digging deep into my heart and forcing me to tend to my own soul.
This means apart from the normal things I do like exercise, eat healthy, diffuse all the oils and make time for friends and family. This meant digging much deeper and getting into His word....and really focusing on my relationship with Him.
God is constantly having to show me that He has not abandoned me, even though someone I love did. That person is not and cannot be God. I swear, God must shake His wise and holy head at me every single day, because y'all, I can be hard to deal with. I am very stubborn and hard of hearing at times.
I know. I know. This is a shock to you. I couldn't believe it either.
During my bible study time, God really had me take a deep look at the story of Jacob. Jacob, whose name means "heel grabber" or "deceiver". For a really long time, I equated Jacob and his story to others. I lined other people up with Jacob's story line, instead of looking at my own. It is humbling when you are sitting there and you start to realize you are more like good ole heel grabber than you thought.
I tend to twist and try to manipulate my way in situations, especially when I am hurt and broken. It is my way of protecting myself against any further pain. "Take control, Tiff" is what I generally tell myself. "Don't let them get one over you" has always been my motto. I take matters into my own hands when, in my pain and anguish, I don't get the answers or solutions that I am desperately longing for. When others ignore me, push me away, treat me as nothing, I tend to grab at heels and make them pay attention and answer me.....as if I am entitled to anything. I might be justified in my pain, but twisting and trying to control situations to make me feel better isn't going to work.
In fact, it only makes it worse. I have discovered this to be true more times than not, I'm afraid.
I don't deserve anything. What I really deserve, I shudder to think, and I am grateful that God saw fit to send us Jesus so that I wouldn't get what I deserve.
In that same story. The same Jacob. The Heel Grabber. The Deceiver. We see that God gives him a new name. Jacob is no longer who he used to be. He doesn't have to resort to manipulating and twisting any more. God renamed him and gave him a new identity.
For me? Same story. The Same Tiff. My situation has not changed. We are still broken. But God is changing me and giving me a new identity. One that one day will fully realize she does not have to grab and control situations in order to heal her broken heart. That she can allow this hardship and brokenness to bring her closer to Jesus and to use it for His glory. No matter the outcome of my physical story ending, my eternal one is set.
Can you relate to the story of Jacob? I think all of us can, even a little bit. Thankful God gives us new identities in Him.